My Biggest Fear…

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Happy, sad, confused, excited, angry, and scared. As humans we feel it all. Despite feeling it all, we sometimes don’t like to show our emotions or even talk about them. I recently watched a Zoella vlog that opened up a conversation about her greatest fear. I think this is a great topic to bring up. It’s nice to be reminded that being unsure is a part of life. Not having it all together right now or ever is completely fine and actually normal. It is okay not to be okay.

For a big chunk of my life I have dealt with mental disorders and now physical as well. Being constantly surrounded by these issues day after day it was pretty hard for me to be scared of anything. I had to get thick skin from a young age. Now I’ve realized that there might be a few things I’m scared of, even if I am scared to admit it. Well, I guess that’s the first one. I don’t like to admit weakness because weakness scares me. We can’t be strong all the time because if we could that would mean we are capable of handling any situation, but we can’t.

Another fear of mine has to do with more of my future. For a while I’ve known that I want to be a mother. Now, I don’t think that’s the ONLY thing I’m meant to be or do. I’ve just always loved the idea of being a parent and I think I would be pretty good at it. I guess I’m just scared of not having a kid of my own. What if I don’t meet someone I can start a family with? I know there are always other options. I just don’t want to live my life with “what ifs”.

Lastly, I’m scared planning too much that I never live in the moment. It’s easy to look back at the past year and ask myself why I didn’t just enjoy the moments for what they were. My brain seems to be focusing on other things and doesn’t give me the chance to enjoy my life for what it is sometimes. One of my goals is to just worry about now or even better, enjoy what is now.

Do you have a greatest fear? Let’s not be scared to talk about the hard stuff.

Thanks for stopping by,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Signs of OCD NOT to ignore.

mental health, Uncategorized

It took almost 10 years before I got diagnosed with OCD. That’s how long I had these symptoms that made me feel like I was going crazy. The guilt of everything made it even worse. This is why I feel it’s important to write this in case there might be someone experiencing some of these and don’t know why.

Obviously I’m not a doctor, so just because you experience some of these doesn’t mean you have OCD. This is just my personal experience of things that I feel were a clear indicator that something wasn’t right.

Intrusive thoughts:

Probably one of the first things I experienced were these bad or inappropriate thoughts I just couldn’t get out of my head. It made me feel like a bad person and cause me to not be present in a lot of moments of life. It’s not just a thought that comes and goes, but one that is around for a long time to make you feel guilty.

Some thoughts of ocd:

Picturing someone getting hurt.

You hurting someone.

Foot coming off the brake if you car and getting into an accident.

Repetitive actions/movements:

Some of things I would do… suck my stomach in and out, blink excessively (which might’ve been stressed related to ocd), roll my neck, repeat steps if I thought something bad during the first one. These are movements that are uncontrollable. Trying to stop causes anxiety, but gets easier once getting treatment for the disorder.

Fear of germs:

I thought I was a germaphobe before I was fully educated on ocd. It got to the point where i was washing my hands so much that they had cuts all over them. This is coming from someone who isn’t scared of getting sick. That wasn’t my main concern. I just couldn’t help but think if I didn’t wash my hands, I wouldn’t be able to continue with the day.

Remember, having to repeat behaviors, being extremely neat, and using hand sanitizer constantly doesn’t me you have ocd. Only when not doing he following cause major distress and anxiety in your life is when you may need to get a professionals opinion.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

HAPPY WEEKEND!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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*Image made with CANVA*

Pointless things I’ve spent my money on in my 20’s.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Honestly, I don’t regret my spending as most brought me a lot of joy. There are certain things I definitely didn’t NEED to do. I am in my 20’s though and before saving was a thing I am guilty of spending my money in ways I probably shouldn’t have.

  1. Buying overpriced resale concert tickets:

Coming from a one direction fan who lives in America, you can see where this is going. There are certain shows I just “had” to see because you never know when your favorite artists are gonna go in your again. Especially when all the musicians you like live in the U.K. Now that I’m a bit older I know spending $200 over the actual price of the ticket is not the best decision with all these bills I have to pay. It was fun while it lasted.

2. Last minute flight tickets:

One day I will get my act together. I’m that person who books ticket last minute and ends up paying for an overpriced ticket for a short trip. If it takes giving up coffee for a while to pay ahead of time, do it.

3. That brings me to my next item… COFFEE:

I spend a lot of money on coffee. Seeing how many points I have makes me cry in a bad way. $6 everyday on coffee adds up. I’ve started limiting myself to a couple times a week. IT’S PROGRESS OK!

5. Interest charges:

This one makes me cry more than coffee. Don’t spend a lot of money on your cards if you can’t pay it off during the time you have 0% interest. I’m dealing with the consequences now. It’s not fun.

6. Late payments (car tickets, registration, etc.):

Being late with ticket payments for me is usually because of laziness, avoidance, and a bad memory. Do yourself a favor and pay for it as soon as you can, so you don’t have to pay more for an already pricey situation.

7. People who don’t matter:

I’m really careless with throwing my money around for others. I mean I do it because I like to see people happy. This isn’t on the list because the money matter, but because you shouldn’t have to go out of your way all the time for someone you might not be talking to a year from now. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll have more to add to this a few years from now. I’ll definitely work on my spending habits. Having so many bills to pay for kind of helps with that.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Don’t lose your wallet,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Why Letting Go Of An Eating Disorder Is Hard.

mental health, Uncategorized

Lately, I’ve been going to these support groups for my “past” eating disorder. I say past because although I am in recovery, it is a very thin line between recovery and relapse. In fact I relapsed not too long ago after almost two years in recovery.  In these support groups I attend we talked about letting go of the eating disorder. One thing most can agree on is how hard it is letting go of the ED. From the outside looking in it’s so easy to just say “well stop acting on it and you’ll be fine.” I even try to convince myself to stop giving a shit on good days. Good days aren’t everyday.

When I was 13 years old I developed an eating disorder because I was not happy with myself. In fact, I can’t remember a time I was. That’s a lot easier to say out loud now. I wanted to lose weight because I was an athlete going through puberty. I was a teenager who needed to be better in every way. Most of the things I told myself were lies. When I was 23 I got diagnosed with an ED and started treatment. When I became an adult, the ED wasn’t there because I felt like I needed to be better. It was still around because it was a way for me to feel sorry for myself. It was something that allowed sympathy into my life. Having a tough exterior which was fake most of the time was a LOT to handle. I never let myself feel vulnerable. Everything was possible if I just pushed myself a little harder. Eventually I crashed.

Recovery has been mostly on my side. Up until a couple of months ago. My life was going through changes and I no longer had control of every little aspect of it. The ED creeped back in, why? Because I was in control of it. Deciding when or how much to eat was all on me. Relapsing was the best thing to happen to me. I HATED the way I felt. My body was out of control in those 3 days. This is when I realized I wasn’t in control, but my ED was. I told myself I never want to feel like that ever again. 

Now I’m back on track with my recovery and it feels GREAT. Of course, not everyday feels great. On bad days, I turn to my ED as a form of compassion. This I am slowly learning to find within myself. It will take time, but I am willing to give the time to something so important. Although I haven’t let go of my ED completely, I hope that one day I will be able to. I hope to look to myself for comfort, support, and sympathy. 

One day, this will not rule me.

 

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Take care of yourself!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Los Angeles travel guide from an LA native! 

travel, Uncategorized

 

Hello! My name’s Suzy and I will be your tour guide today. Born and raised in Los Angeles, I’ve got a few places for you to try. Have a look:

 

Hiking: Fern Dell

The Fern Dell hike is the perfect one for any newcomers to the city. It isn’t that difficult and the best part is that it takes you to the griffith observatory. From there you will see great views of every part of the city.

Urth Caffe: You’ve probably seen a bunch of pictures of this place. Urth is very hyped, but it is definitely worth it. My favorites are the margherita pizza and turkey panini. They have great ice blended coffee’s called granita.

Griffith Observatory: As mentioned earlier, the Griffith Observatory has great views, especially at night. Just look at the picture I took!

Beaches: You can’t go to LA without stopping by the beach. My favorite beach is Malibu State Beach. The beaches here can get quite dirty, but this one is clean and the sand is close to the water. Santa Monica includes a long walk to the water, but it is a nice place to go at night, as it has the pier with rides!

The Americana or The Grove: Outdoor shopping is LA’s specialty. These two places are essentially the same experience. Depending on where in LA you are staying will help you decide which one to go to. Affordable/High end shopping plus great food options!

 

I don’t have a picture of these places, but The Americana does have one of my other favorite places to eat, Lemonade. It is like a cafeteria setting, but with really good food. It’s a pretty “LA” place, but the Lemonade is pretty delicious! My favorite is blood orange.

 

 

BONUS:

*Transportation Tips*: LA is definitely not known for it’s public transportation. If you are coming here make sure to rent a car or rely on uber. Make sure you plan ahead of time to get to your destination, the traffic is no joke. Hours to watch out for are morning work commute and 4pm-7pm.

 

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Safe Travels,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Moves I’m making to help find myself.

mental health, Uncategorized

5 stars for the cheese worthy title? If you’ve been following my blog posts and really if you’re human, you know life is up and down. This past year I moved away, came back home, moved away again, and came back home again. I’m in my 20’s, so you can imagine it’s a difficult time of trying to find out where I’m supposed to be in life. In the past making stupid decisions has been my way of life. It’s kind of sad actually. Losing yourself is difficult. Being so sure of who you are and then completely losing track of that is one big obstacle.

In the midst of all of this there was one big thing missing in my life…love. I stopped loving myself. Actually the last time I truly loved myself I was too young to remember. You know what not loving yourself does? It causes you to search for acceptance elsewhere. Because I couldn’t love myself I tried to find that through other things. Hooking up, partying, and social drinking to avoid my problems. This makes it sound more dramatic, but it’s the truth. Even if I wasn’t a party animal, even doing it occasionally for the wrong reason was a bad idea.

There is no regret in any of the choices I made because I’ve learned from them. In fact I’ve had to fall down several times to finally be at the place I am now. Which is surrender and stop putting up with all of that (excuse my French) shit! It took relapsing from my eating disorder and getting back on a routine to wake up.

I started working out 3 times a week because it helps me stress less and take care of myself.

I go to a support group each week and make appointments to see my therapist.

Most importantly I talk positively to myself which allows me to put myself first.

No more trying to find what I’m missing elsewhere. The only person who I need right now is me. I can’t expect someone to love or accept me because I can’t, that is my job.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have a GREAT weekend!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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How to unwind after a stressful day.

health, Uncategorized

We’ve all been there. Long day of work after an already long commute, lack of sleep, errands that need to be done, and dealing with things that might come with a mental or physical illness. Trust me when I say I’ve felt this way plenty of times. When you have a day like this it’s important to take some time out for your self care.

It took me a while to figure out something that works for me, but there are ways to unwind that really do help.

Going for a walk: I know going on a walker might sound like a lot after a long day. I personally found that if I come home and lounge the moment I get in, I won’t move. Going for a walk gets my mind clear and still allows me to put in the effort for the other ways I like to unwind.

Taking a shower/bath: An obvious one, but it really DOES WORK. Just like clean sheets on a bed.

Dinner and a movie: My favorite thing to do is to watch a new movie while eating dinner. It gets me to zone out and just do something for fun instead of work.

Watch some motivational pep talks on YouTube: I’ll be posting some great TED talks I’ve been watching in another blog post. I watch these motivational videos because it gets me eager for the next day and I wake up (most times) feeling excited to take on the day.

Practice Mindfulness: Meditating can be really hard. It takes a lot of practice sometimes. I’ve been really trying to get in the habit and found an app that makes it easier. It’s called Aura and you put how you’re feeling and can do a quick 3 min meditation! It makes it a lot easier to keep up doing it before bed every night.

If you have any additional tips to add, let me know how you unwind!

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have a good week!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Self Love And Intimacy: Let’s get personal.

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I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, but it seemed too personal. Why am I talking about it now? It is a topic that I think not a lot of people mention especially in conversations involving self esteem and even eating disorders. I just feel like I need to get all of this off my chest, so here I am.

When it comes to intimacy or dare I say it, sex. There are so many “rules” we think we need to follow. Who the hell came up with these rules? Why do we have to follow them? SO MANY QUESTIONS! I’ll admit, the last thing I’ve always been is a rule follower. I’m lucky to say I’ve marched to the beat of my own drum for as long as I can remember. This doesn’t mean I never questioned my decisions or judged myself for them.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you would know that I suffered with an eating disorder for 10 years of my life. I still continue to battles urges 2 years later. The reason why I’m mentioning my eating disorder in this post because a lot of the decisions I made involving guys revolved around it. My eating disorder has a way of tearing my self esteem. To me, it doesn’t matter what other people think about me. It matters what I think about myself. The problem is I haven’t thought too highly of myself. This turned into me constantly searching for sympathy or affection elsewhere. You can probably see where this is going. Because I felt so bad about myself I thought “hooking up” with people would make me feel better. Almost like I’m actually wanted for a brief moment. It’s actually really sad to talk about. I was never like this before. In fact I waited a long time before I even gained interest in boys. It was never my main source of interest. Not that it is now, but I never used it to solve my issues. Unfortunately this hooking up never made me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse. There is nothing wrong with hooking up just to hook up, but I did find something wrong with it when I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

Relapsing from my ED a couple months ago was the wake up call I needed. I stopped being selfish again, but now it’s time I focus on myself more. There isn’t anybody out there who can make me happy. The only person I can count on for that is me. It’s so nice to be able to say that. It took a a trip downhill to figure it out, but I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I’m happy to find myself again. There might be some hiccups (oh I hope not), but I am all in.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Take care of yourself,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Best YouTube Workouts!

health, Uncategorized

It took me a while, but I am finally back to a nice workout routine. Working out is a touchy subject for someone who had an eating disorder, but as an athlete for a lot of my life, it’s normal to me. I don’t workout to lose weight or stay in shape to tell you the truth. I actually use working out as exercise for my brain. It clears my mind and distracts me from the struggles of life. It also makes me accountable for taking care of myself. I spent a lot of time not caring about working out or what I ate because I spent so much of my time trying to get away from my eating disorder. I learned part of recovery is taking care of yourself in more way than just eating.

This is why I came up with my weekly exercise plan. I make sure to workout 3 times a week and do things that make it more fun. I tried plenty of YouTube videos to keep me motivated for my at home workouts. Here are the best ones that worked for me:

Beginner Yoga

https://youtu.be/rpKix-Dr-jg

Intermediate Yoga

https://youtu.be/CZsKcL05Rcg

Beginning/ Intermediate Barre

https://youtu.be/sAapLQCASOE

Quick Workouts

Pilates: https://youtu.be/K-PpDkbcNGo

Yoga Abs: https://youtu.be/FgfT2fOv31E

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have fun and good luck!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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How To NOT Give Into Peer Pressure (Even As An ADULT).

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Growing up is a funny thing. We constantly compare ourselves to others and question if we are doing everything right. As if there is a right way to do anything. All of this usually leads to insecurity and feeling out of place. This is why not a lot of people have good things to say about the high school years. Turns out, peer pressure is still a thing in adulthood. Again, questioning if you are where you need to be because someone else did more to get there. Thinking you need to be living somewhere because everyone else is. I’m here to tell you there is way to break this cycle.

There is no doubt I’ve had and still have my insecurities. I would be lying if I said I didn’t question certain things I did. I still may struggle with this, but one thing I’ve been good at is putting my foot down when it comes to my beliefs. Of course, as I get older some of my views change. There are just somethings that I like to say to myself to keep me on MY right track.

Everyone is equal: 

Always remind yourself that we are all HUMAN. Someone having a better job or making more money doesn’t make them above you. Someone choosing to go to parties and have a lot of friends doesn’t make them more important than you.

If it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t the right time.

Things do fall in place when they are supposed to. Rushing some things just makes for unfortunate stories you get to share later on in life. Honestly, just think about how many times you’ve heard people say they have regretted something. (P.S. NEVER regret anything).

If you don’t know what’s best for you, what makes you think your friends do?

Growing up is different for everyone. Someone’s version of events can be different than yours. You ultimately know what is best for you even if it doesn’t seem like it at all times.

At the end of the day you are left with your thoughts.

When you go to bed at night, you close your eyes, force yourself to go to sleep, and have all this time to replay thoughts in your head. Before you make a decision, ask yourself what thoughts will be going through your head when you are in bed that night.

Trust me when I say everything is temporary. The pain, the confusion, the pressure. It may seem like what you do now defines the rest of your life, but I’m here to tell you life goes on.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Until next time,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Why I moved back home…AGAIN.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Somehow I’m always back here again. I’ve written a couple of blog posts about moving out of state, coming back, and moving out again. In this one I am explaining why I am back.

This time a longer temporary move back home. The plan is to be here for another year and then officially move out FOR GOOD. After the last couple of tries, I am dedicated to make it happen in this next chapter.

Moving out of state was hard. Knowing absolutely no one and trying to make ends meet. The first time, I freaked out. Reality set in and I was really hard on myself. I cried for days and decided it was rushed. Moving back, I thought I would give other locations a try. My heart kept telling me Nashville was the place I needed to be. After spending a couple of months back home I decided to give it another go. Let’s just say finances weren’t on my side and I needed to make a realistic decision.

After working for a week and expecting to make it okay. I started to think about my future. By future, I meant my 30’s. The truth is I didn’t want to be a 30 year old in debt from credit cards that I spent too much on. Staying in Nashville meant using my credit the first couple of months as I had not saved up enough. Although I was desperate to move out due to a rocky home life, it wasn’t the best timing. I thought if I could live rent free for another year and pay off some debt, why not?

Almost two months later from returning and I’ve realized some old habits have come back to haunt me. Being home and just in this city in general gets me in a bad mood. I get angry a lot and have been feeling that sense of fight or flight again. This has made me take extra measures to stay away from old behaviors. Having the ability to take care of myself helps quite a bit. If I had to work all day to pay rent I know I wouldn’t have that chance.

Being at home isn’t the easiest, but it is the best thing for me at this point in my life. I think it’s important to stop comparing myself to others and just do what’s best for my future and PRESENT. That was the hardest thing to accept during this whole process.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Thanks for sticking around,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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