My Biggest Fear…

Happy, sad, confused, excited, angry, and scared. As humans we feel it all. Despite feeling it all, we sometimes don’t like to show our emotions or even talk about them. I recently watched a Zoella vlog that opened up a conversation about her greatest fear. I think this is a great topic to bring up. It’s nice to be reminded that being unsure is a part of life. Not having it all together right now or ever is completely fine and actually normal. It is okay not to be okay.

For a big chunk of my life I have dealt with mental disorders and now physical as well. Being constantly surrounded by these issues day after day it was pretty hard for me to be scared of anything. I had to get thick skin from a young age. Now I’ve realized that there might be a few things I’m scared of, even if I am scared to admit it. Well, I guess that’s the first one. I don’t like to admit weakness because weakness scares me. We can’t be strong all the time because if we could that would mean we are capable of handling any situation, but we can’t.

Another fear of mine has to do with more of my future. For a while I’ve known that I want to be a mother. Now, I don’t think that’s the ONLY thing I’m meant to be or do. I’ve just always loved the idea of being a parent and I think I would be pretty good at it. I guess I’m just scared of not having a kid of my own. What if I don’t meet someone I can start a family with? I know there are always other options. I just don’t want to live my life with “what ifs”.

Lastly, I’m scared planning too much that I never live in the moment. It’s easy to look back at the past year and ask myself why I didn’t just enjoy the moments for what they were. My brain seems to be focusing on other things and doesn’t give me the chance to enjoy my life for what it is sometimes. One of my goals is to just worry about now or even better, enjoy what is now.

Do you have a greatest fear? Let’s not be scared to talk about the hard stuff.

Thanks for stopping by,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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The Truth About Treatment.

In a couple of weeks it is going to be eating disorder awareness week. There are a couple of stories I want to share about my experience with an ED and this seems like a good time. A big component of an eating disorder is not only being diagnosed with one, but being treated for one. I guess some would think someone with an ED will sit here and tell you how terrible treatment is and nobody understands, but now being in recovery, I couldn’t be more grateful for an amazing experience.

After 10 years with an ED it got to the point where my life was being controlled by it. My mood was all over the place and it was very clear I needed help. My therapist confronted me about the ED and told me to put myself in treatment. Due to certain circumstances, it was up to me to look after myself. I knew I couldn’t continue living this lifestyle and admitted into treatment a short month later. I started off in outpatient treatment. This meant I spent 4 hours a day there. If I had it my way I would’ve liked to have been there longer. There were bills I had to pay so I wasn’t able to take time off work. You see, my father didn’t know I was in treatment so I wasn’t able to just ask him for money and leave my job. After a couple of weeks I hadn’t seen much improvement. Actually, the first two weeks were quite stressful for me and I spent most of my days having ED behaviors once I got home. I was told that I would need to be put into PHP (partial hospitalization program) in order to progress in my recovery. I knew this was what I needed, but I also knew taking time off work would back me into a corner. Let’s just say insurance has a funny way of working and one night I got a call that I would need to start PHP the following morning or I had a chance of not getting this opportunity back in the future. My insurance company was giving me this one chance.

Although this time was difficult I was lucky enough to have a work environment that was really supportive and allowed me to get the next day off and start treatment. PHP meant I would have to be there from 11-6 and eat multiple meals. My first day was stressful to say the least as it was just sprung on me. I pre-planned my finances because I knew this next month and a half was going to be focused on mainly my recovery. By the time the days were over at treatment it felt like I had worked a full day shift. Treatment is a lot of work and this means that some days you will be using a lot of energy. Going into PHP was the best decision I made for my recovery. All day I was surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. There was no judgment. It was nice to be in an environment I knew people in my daily life would not get. Honestly, it just felt good to be separated by reality in some ways.

My final two weeks in treatment were a bit all over the place emotionally. I was scared to leave when I found out that day was approaching. I didn’t want to go back to typical life stresses. I certainly was scared to spend more time around people without an eating disorder. Then something strange happened. A week prior to my discharge I realized how much things had changed. The conversations we had in treatment were getting more difficult because I healed in some aspects of it that I no longer could relate to. I wanted to get better and slowly I did. The time I realized I was healing was when I told myself “I want to leave.” That was unexpected, but I knew it was time. My final day was calming and almost felt like the last day of school. I was in high spirits and thankful. Although everyone in treatment has a final day, that doesn’t necessarily mean recovery is over.

Maybe recovery is for the rest of our lives. Maybe there will be a time where the ED is no longer present. Regardless of the outcome, I do not regret one bit for taking the time I needed for this illness. There is no day in recovery I would take away if it meant feeling the way I did when my ED was active. If there is one thing I learned in treatment…. You need to WANT this for yourself. If you don’t want it maybe it isn’t your time. I do believe that everyone’s time WILL come though. Never give up hope. It took me 10 years to find it.

Thank you for stopping by,

-Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Thing you can do all on your own.

There are a few things that give you major independence in this world. Moving out, learning to drive, making your own money, but what about doing things alone? In a past blog I talked about how I traveled alone and although that might not be for everyone, it definitely taught me to be on my own. It’s not necessary to go to that extent, but doing things by yourself can be the most liberating, sometimes uncomfortable, but most rewarding time. There are a few activities I think will be exciting to try alone.

  • Going to a concert
  • Traveling (I know I already mentioned)
  • Working out (You get to stop whenever you’d like)
  • Going out for a cup of coffee
  • Shopping
  • Seeing a movie
  • Visiting a museum
  • Going to a restaurant (intimidating? yes. Most of the time it’s in our head though)

Of course with anything you do alone, always stay as safe as possible. Take your phone and make sure it’s charged! It might sound dramatic, but let someone know where you are going. Lastly, if you are working out make sure you take some water with you and try not to go to a secluded area.

Remember, independence isn’t selfish. Own who you are.

 

Have a great week!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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What Those With Mental Illnesses Want You to Know.

It’s crazy to even have to say this. In a world where some mental and physical illnesses are being ignored, it is so important to get the word out there about serious conditions. It just doesn’t seem fair to stay quiet because of what other people will think or because a subject is taboo. The only way to start accepting things and taking them seriously is by talking about them. By listening and showing compassion. No stranger to mental disorders, I’ve decided to write this post. I’m not ONLY writing this for others struggling, but for people who know someone with an illness and aren’t sure how to react. Here are a few things we’d like you to know.

  1. I don’t want you to relate, I want you to listen.

  2. I’m not expecting sympathy, I’m just tired of being looked at like I’m making it up.

  3. It’s not all in my head. It feels like I’ve lost control of everything.

  4. What I have is a health condition. There is a lot of science that backs it up. I cannot help the chemical imbalances in my brain.

  5. I DO NOT WANT THIS FOR MYSELF. Please, don’t tell me I’m making it up because I WANT something to be wrong with me

I guess everyone deals with mental disorders a bit different. It’s really hard to express yourself when nobody believes you. We understand that you don’t really know how someone feels unless you are in their shoes. This doesn’t mean you can’t just listen and accept the situation for what it is. It was hard for me to accept this at first too, but when I realized there’s nothing I can do to go back and change it… that’s when I knew it was real. Despite the frustration and confusion, I do not and will not ever wish a mental disorder on even my worst enemy.

Thank you for reading,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Travel Tips/Apps I like to use.

If you’ve seen my other blog posts you probably can tell I love to travel. The first time I went traveling on my own I did A LOT of research because it was also my first time booking things on my own. Feel free to look back at my post about traveling on your own. After comparing prices and trying many different websites, here are the things I feel like are the most helpful.

Booking Hotels: 

I love using the app for Expedia when planning a trip. I highly recommend becoming a member as you get point for hotels, flights, and things you book through Expedia. Getting points has allowed me to not only get discounts on hotels, but get a free room as well. The reason I think you should get the app rather then looking directly on the website is because Expedia will give mobile discounts sometimes which can be helpful if you are on a tight budget.

If the hotel route gets a bit pricey, staying at an Airbnb is a great choice as well. It is usually more affordable than a hotel and you get discount if you book for a week or month. The great thing about airbnb’s is that you can have a whole apartment to yourself. This is pretty useful for a long trip as you’ll have a kitchen to use and get more of a home vibe.

Booking Flights:

When booking flights it is always a good idea to compare rates on various apps. Sometime Priceline will have a better rate and sometime Expedia will. Most of the time they have the same rate, but it’s always nice to try. Booking directly through an airline is almost always more expensive. Again, if you use Expedia you can get points for the flight. You can then become a member of the airline and gain points even if you didn’t purchase directly through them. Fun little fact: try to book your flights on Tuesday afternoon (after 3) as prices usually drop.

Navigation:

If you aren’t from a city with much public transportation and are visiting a city with a lot of it, google maps will be your best friend. Google maps will show you when trains, subways, etc. are arriving and if you have service you can track it on your phone to make sure you get off at the right stop. This has been really helpful for me at foreign countries especially. Sometimes the public transportation has it’s own app so that way you can keep better track of where to go. Public Transit is always the most affordable option but if you prefer a car, make sure you have both uber and lyft on your phone.

Planning: 

Once you have the hotel, flights, and transportation figured out its time to keep them organized. I’ve used the app TripIt as a way to keep all my information together. It also has alerts which is nice to get when I have a trip coming up. This is especially helpful if you are booking on various sites since you can keep all the details in one place.

Let me know if you have additional tips and tricks. I’m always looking for more info!

Safe Travels,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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What a LIE!

brunch

Alright everyone if there is one thing you should know about me, it is that I cannot bite my tongue. I personally think there are times to lie, but if someone crosses me there’s also a time to let it all out! Growing up we are told some things matter and some things don’t. We are expected to act a certain way and made to believe our world is going to end if one thing doesn’t go our way. Well, here I am to call out all the bullshit we are told when we were younger.

Parties: If you party hard or not chances are you won’t even remember most of it. There will be plenty of parties when you’re older so if you think you’re missing out, there’s nothing to miss.

Boyfriends/Girlfriends: Raise your hand if you keep in touch with two or more people you went to high school with? Yeah I didn’t there would be many. The people you’re trying to impress by being in a relationship aren’t going to be even a tiny part of your life a couple years down the line. Also, if you’re super against being in a relationship, be against one because you really are and not because you’re trying to avoid your feelings.

Career Choices: YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN HIGH SCHOOL. You probably won’t even know half way through college or maybe even after college. There are going to be so many times where you question your decisions, interests, hair color, makeup, clothes…. hopefully you catch my drift here. The pressure people give you to figure it all out is absolute BULLSHIT. Take as much time or as little time as YOU need.

Education: I’m going to do a whole separate post on all the crap we are told in school, but for now here’s this. Getting a great GPA or taking the most honors classes doesn’t give or take a degree. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “C’s get degree”. Simply because that is the truth. Your health isn’t worth the extra credit points. Your self esteem isn’t worth the A. Hey if you want to get those straight A’s, go for it! I’m just trying to say that it doesn’t change who you are at the end of the day.

Be kind and be yourself!

-Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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That one time in Portland.

A few months ago I went on a trip to Portland, Oregon. Ever since then I’ve been trying to get this blog post up, but I wasn’t able to upload my pictures. Well, the pictures are here now! Being from California we hear a lot about Portland. We get told it’s a city filled with “hipsters” and is super quirky. To be honest, when I first got there I wasn’t that impressed. It was a lot like where I’m from so it wasn’t much of a different experience. However I grew to love certain neighborhoods and now find myself missing Portland a lot. From the beauty of the trees to the most amazing food. Here are a few of my favorite places in the city of weird.

Neighborhood: Alberta

A very artsy and youthful neighborhood with lots to do. Alberta not only has cool murals on the walls, but a couple of the streets are just filled with things to do. There’s small and unique stores for shopping and tasty places to eat at. My favorite spot there is definitely Salt & Straw for ice cream. Don’t pass up this awesome neighborhood if you’re ever near Portland.

Coffee: Cathedral and Dutch Bros

I am not going to lie. For the city that’s supposed to be all about it’s coffee, I was not that impressed. I am quite picky about my coffee and really only like iced drinks to be fair. There were a couple of places I did enjoy though. Cathedral coffeehouse can be found in the St. Johns neighborhood and let me just tell ya…I LOVE the chocolate chip cookies there. The coffee was quite tasty and the decor stood out too. Another coffee house which is a coffee chain is Dutch Bros. Not only is it affordable, but they have lots of unique flavors of coffee as well. It’s hard to get disappointed there.

Scenery: Forest Park and

One of the best things about Portland is that it is pretty much surrounded by trees. That was the first thing I noticed at least. I knew I had to go hiking when I was planning my trip, so I definitely made time for it. I went on a hike around Forest Park. The hike itself isn’t very difficult so you are able to take in the beauty of scenery there. With extremely tall trees I mean who wouldn’t want to break out into an impromptu photoshoot?!

Food:

Okay this part was definitely the BEST part of my trip, haha! The food in this city is brilliant! Pine State Biscuits serves some of the best southern food from a non southern state. Plus side is it’s is also located in my favorite neighborhood, Alberta. One of the places I ate at the most was Grassa. It is a casual pasta cafe. You order then sit, so when you’re ordering do yourself a favor and get the garlic bread. If you’re looking for a small plates option Tasty n Sons. Everything I got from there was delicious! As for dessert, Voodoo donuts is your best bet despite the long line. I’d say it’s worth the hype. Lastly, I can’t forget the food markets. I went to a really small one, but still found some awesome food and fresh drinks. Food markets have to be on your to do list for sure!

I hope this post gives you some ideas if you plan on visiting the city of Portland. If not, I hope it gives you the travelling bug like it did me…oops.

Happy Weekend,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Time to get planning!

Planning

My life is a mess to be honest. I myself am a mess sometimes. Im definitely the spur of the moment type of gal. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as I get more into adulthood I’ve realized I need to sort my life out.

I decided to get a planner. I found this planner off amazon and am so happy to have it. I have a few doctors I see regularly so putting in my appointments in here is going to help me keep track. Also, there is a page for phone numbers so in case my phone ever dies I’ll be good to go. There are a few quotes in this planner as well that I really like. Besides all of that there is a to do list which I think will be quite helpful, since I like to brush things off and have a short attention span. I know I will be getting a lot of use out of this as a phone isn’t always the most reliable source. I’m excited to fill this whole thing up!

Happy Friday!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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5 simple ways to BE KIND.


Let’s be real… it’s not hard to be a good person. I feel like in this world especially, people are discouraged to be kind because everything has a “negative” motive to it. Personally, I don’t think everything and anything even has a motive. 
I’m trying to do this thing where spreading kindness is part of my daily routine. Honestly, it’s just pretty natural at this point. At first it was a little daunting to compliment people I didn’t even know, but there’s nothing nerve wrecking about it. Nobody is going to get mad at you for being nice to them. 

Here’s a few way to spread the love.

  1. Compliment: If you like the way someone is dressed or there’s something about their personality that inspires you, TELL THEM! You might just make that persons day. I know when I get compliments it makes me very happy inside, especially if I’m having a bad day. 
  2. Text a friend something nice: I’ve found that getting nice texts are quite rewarding in itself, but sending one is quite rewarding as well. Sometimes I just write a simple “love you” or “thank you for being there”. It’s just my way of showing appreciation to those in my life. 
  3. Tip or pay for someone else: I know money isn’t everything, but picking up the tab for someone is quite a sweet gesture. It doesn’t even need to be paying for someone but even providing a great tip or any tip for others is quite helpful. I’ve been tipped $1 before, but I don’t even work a job where we get tipped so even that dollar made me feel like I must’ve been doing something good.
  4. Do something for free: Similar, yet different than the one before. One thing I find that helps people out is offering a hand when times are rough. This could be watching someone’s pet for free or running an errand without expecting something in return. Life is unexpectant so it doesn’t hurt to make someone’s day a bit easier. 
  5. Write a nice comment: Social media has taken over and we all know this. I think instead of using it negatively which is done way too often, it should be used positively. Writing a nice comment under someone pictures regardless if you speak to them regularly can really improve their mood. People don’t expect nice things to be told to them all the time so if you can make someone day by just typing up a couple of nice words then why not?

Kindness is important to me. I think it’s important to work together to spread positivity and respect one another. 

Let me know in the comments below if there is something that you like to do to spread this message. 

Thank you for reading,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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*Graphic made with Canva*

What I learned last year.


Welcome to 2018! I’m a bit late, but hey it’s still the first week. I posted this blog post about my goals for 2018, but I think it can be useful to mention what I learned this past year. So with no cool introduction, here’s what I learned not to do and to do in 2017.

  • You can’t plan everything.
  • Stop thinking so hard about things. It’ll work out the way it’s meant to.
  • Enough of trying to please others and do what makes you happy.
  • There is no perfect age for anything.
  • Recovery isn’t always going to be as easy as it is right now.
  • It’s alright to ask for help.

I think as humans we need to sometimes learn from one another. I know I like to hear about others experiences as it makes me views things in a different way. Although 2017 might’ve not been the easiest year ever, it was one filled with discovery and values. I’m excited to see what I learn about this year!
 Sending positivity your way for 2018,

-Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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