My Biggest Fear…

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Happy, sad, confused, excited, angry, and scared. As humans we feel it all. Despite feeling it all, we sometimes don’t like to show our emotions or even talk about them. I recently watched a Zoella vlog that opened up a conversation about her greatest fear. I think this is a great topic to bring up. It’s nice to be reminded that being unsure is a part of life. Not having it all together right now or ever is completely fine and actually normal. It is okay not to be okay.

For a big chunk of my life I have dealt with mental disorders and now physical as well. Being constantly surrounded by these issues day after day it was pretty hard for me to be scared of anything. I had to get thick skin from a young age. Now I’ve realized that there might be a few things I’m scared of, even if I am scared to admit it. Well, I guess that’s the first one. I don’t like to admit weakness because weakness scares me. We can’t be strong all the time because if we could that would mean we are capable of handling any situation, but we can’t.

Another fear of mine has to do with more of my future. For a while I’ve known that I want to be a mother. Now, I don’t think that’s the ONLY thing I’m meant to be or do. I’ve just always loved the idea of being a parent and I think I would be pretty good at it. I guess I’m just scared of not having a kid of my own. What if I don’t meet someone I can start a family with? I know there are always other options. I just don’t want to live my life with “what ifs”.

Lastly, I’m scared planning too much that I never live in the moment. It’s easy to look back at the past year and ask myself why I didn’t just enjoy the moments for what they were. My brain seems to be focusing on other things and doesn’t give me the chance to enjoy my life for what it is sometimes. One of my goals is to just worry about now or even better, enjoy what is now.

Do you have a greatest fear? Let’s not be scared to talk about the hard stuff.

Thanks for stopping by,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Getting weighed for the first time in almost two years!

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Health insurance -check | Doctors appt -check | Getting weighed -unexpected check!

Four days ago I went to the doctor (finally) for a whole bunch of health problems I hate dealing with. The time leading up to my appointment was a constant debate over wanting to get weighed or not. In the past, I’ve let the nurse know that I had an eating disorder and would rather get weighed backwards. You do have that option even if you don’t have an eating disorder.

It was a constant battle with the ED voice if I should or not. See, these past couple of months have been rough with my eating habits. I really just stopped caring about what I was putting in my body. Now, I’m not saying I wish I ate only healthy meals because I’m just not that type of person. I DO wish that I was able to control my eating better and didn’t eat certain things that made me feel sick. Because of all this, a part of me wanted to know how much I weighed. Does the number matter? Absolutely not and I know this. However, I feel like I needed to know so I could take control of my life again. That sounds terrible, but I used it as a wake up call.

I decided to hear the number out loud. It was like everything around me became silent. I didn’t know if I should cry, laugh, or get angry at myself. After feeling almost disoriented for the a few minutes, the storm was over. My voice was able to fight back the ED voice and reassure me that the number is pointless. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but no number will ever be good enough. It’s strange that I can even say that now.

Do I regret getting weighed? No, because now I know I need to focus on my recovery again. I know that a number is just a number. Most importantly, I know that I need to see a dietician again. Being able to fight back the scale now doesn’t mean that getting weighed didn’t have any impact on me. It still made me feel even more insecure and asking for help is something I’m willing to do at this point.

I’m getting back into the game of recovery.

Thanks for making it this far!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

Biggest lesson of 2018.

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It’s been a MINUTE since I’ve posted. I’ve been working a lot lately and with all my health issues, trying to sleep when I’m not working. It’s been difficult none the less, but it’s so nice to be back on track with my day to day life after a scattered summer/fall. Most of the reason why I’ve been working a lot is because I’m trying to start saving up early before I attempt to move again. I am hoping for this next move to be a successful one, so I figured I better get a jump start. Talking about moving brings me to the point of this blog post.

Last year I rushed the moving process and decided to leave home before I was financially stable enough. Honestly, I just wanted to get the hell out of here. Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept reality and decide to do things on a whim. Turns out that’s not a great strategy for everything. I just had a set date in mind to move and would feel absolutely disappointed if I didn’t follow through with it. Oh how I’ve learned since then.

It took getting knocked down twice during this period of the year for me to put things into perspective. I no longer am going to put a time restriction on my goals. Especially ones that involve a big life change. Setting a time restriction means more pressure. The problem with that is how inconsistent life can get. Things change all the time and if something gets in the way of me being prepared in time, I can’t hate myself for it. I can’t blame myself for the way life turns out sometimes. As much as I hate being home, it is nice to know that I can move when I’m ready. I don’t need to rush the process in order to feel like I’m doing something with my life.

I am exactly where I NEED to be right now, even if it’s not where I WANT to be.

Hope the holidays treated you well!

Oh and have a great New Year’s Eve!!!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Life AFTER Medication.

mental health, Uncategorized

Hi again! I hope you had a great thanksgiving (if you’re American). Back to reality and it just so happened I got the idea to write about my experience without medication. I’ve been noticing some of my behaviors getting stronger so I figured this would be a good time to explain what that’s like.

After being diagnosed with OCD 6 years ago, I have taken medication for it on and off for 5 years. I don’t usually choose to get off medication. Most of the time it’s because I switch insurance or just no longer have insurance. This time was no different. I do believe in medication like I mentioned in this post explaining why. OCD is one of the hardest mental disorders I’ve had because it seems to be the one that never gives me a break. Without medication, it makes my compulsions/obsessions a lot stronger. When I’m in a better place in my life I know that I will be able to fight without the medications. With all my other health issues, I just don’t have the energy to do it all by myself.

Since being off meds for a couple of months, some behaviors are getting louder. One thing with OCD is that I repeat a lot of words over and over again in my head. This is been happening a lot more lately which causes me to lose focus. I’ve also had more trouble dealing with germs. It’s become my main concern when communicating with people again. When things get stressful my emotions are all over the place. So, I’ve been noticing myself being a lot more emotional than usual. Yes, that means crying from having a bad day or being angry for no reason. Before all my health issues, when I got off medication I would have a lot more energy. As you might know anti-depressants can make you very sleepy. However, due to all my health problems I’m always tired, so I didn’t notice a difference in my energy this time around.

Once I re-enroll for insurance this month, I look forward to finally being on my daily med routine again. It’s going to help keep my mind from wandering and allow me to focus on my other daily “life things”. When the time comes where I can manage my ocd symptoms a lot better without medication (this means having more time), I know I will be able to do it. Medication isn’t everything, but there is no shame on being on it if you need the extra help.

Do you have any thoughts on medication?

Thanks for reading,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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I moved back and stopped comparing myself to others.

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This past summer I wrote about moving out of state and moving back (twice). Moving back because I felt like I was rushing and not as financially stable as I could’ve been.

A lot of it is comparing myself to other 25 year olds and thinking:

“If I don’t do this, how am I an adult.”

“Why is my life going at such a slow pace?”

And then reality hit and I realized if I have to come home for another year just so I can have a positive experience next time around, I’m up for it.

This mean I had to be willing to work and work some more. Stop caring where I am career wise or geographically. It’s funny because everyone my age feels this way too. Yet, we still compare ourselves to each other!

After coming home, relapsing from an ED (which I also talked about), and trying to live a life that is not mine, I’ve learned to be more present. How? By taking a break from social media! I was never invested in my Instagram or Snapchat, but I did look at what others post. This meant looking at their “happy” “thought out” lives. It turns out I actually don’t care anymore. I’m just not all for the perfect filter and 20 minute photo shoot with my coffee, so people can think I’m happy thing. I’d rather post reality.

It’s so nice to be able to just live my life and not know what other are doing unless I really care. Which then I’m texting and calling those people, so I don’t need to check their feed.

Another thing that has helped me stay present has been staying busy (in a good way). Not the type of busy where you try to avoid all your problems. The type of busy where I’m taking care of myself. I’ve been working a lot which will be beneficial to moving again. This makes me happy because it makes it more realistic that I’ll have a chance to be on my own. Another helpful way of staying busy has been working out. I have been trying to workout at least 3 times a week and it has made my mood a lot better. It has also provided me with a lot of energy to get through the days.

Trying to live in the moment can almost seem like a chore at times. The truth is it shouldn’t be like that. Life is tough so we would rather block out the negatives, but that doesn’t do us any good. We need to make moves to change the things we don’t like around. Be patient and eventually it will be so natural that you won’t even remember what life was like when you cared so much about what others were doing.

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Signs of OCD NOT to ignore.

mental health, Uncategorized

It took almost 10 years before I got diagnosed with OCD. That’s how long I had these symptoms that made me feel like I was going crazy. The guilt of everything made it even worse. This is why I feel it’s important to write this in case there might be someone experiencing some of these and don’t know why.

Obviously I’m not a doctor, so just because you experience some of these doesn’t mean you have OCD. This is just my personal experience of things that I feel were a clear indicator that something wasn’t right.

Intrusive thoughts:

Probably one of the first things I experienced were these bad or inappropriate thoughts I just couldn’t get out of my head. It made me feel like a bad person and cause me to not be present in a lot of moments of life. It’s not just a thought that comes and goes, but one that is around for a long time to make you feel guilty.

Some thoughts of ocd:

Picturing someone getting hurt.

You hurting someone.

Foot coming off the brake if you car and getting into an accident.

Repetitive actions/movements:

Some of things I would do… suck my stomach in and out, blink excessively (which might’ve been stressed related to ocd), roll my neck, repeat steps if I thought something bad during the first one. These are movements that are uncontrollable. Trying to stop causes anxiety, but gets easier once getting treatment for the disorder.

Fear of germs:

I thought I was a germaphobe before I was fully educated on ocd. It got to the point where i was washing my hands so much that they had cuts all over them. This is coming from someone who isn’t scared of getting sick. That wasn’t my main concern. I just couldn’t help but think if I didn’t wash my hands, I wouldn’t be able to continue with the day.

Remember, having to repeat behaviors, being extremely neat, and using hand sanitizer constantly doesn’t me you have ocd. Only when not doing he following cause major distress and anxiety in your life is when you may need to get a professionals opinion.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

HAPPY WEEKEND!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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*Image made with CANVA*

Pointless things I’ve spent my money on in my 20’s.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Honestly, I don’t regret my spending as most brought me a lot of joy. There are certain things I definitely didn’t NEED to do. I am in my 20’s though and before saving was a thing I am guilty of spending my money in ways I probably shouldn’t have.

  1. Buying overpriced resale concert tickets:

Coming from a one direction fan who lives in America, you can see where this is going. There are certain shows I just “had” to see because you never know when your favorite artists are gonna go in your again. Especially when all the musicians you like live in the U.K. Now that I’m a bit older I know spending $200 over the actual price of the ticket is not the best decision with all these bills I have to pay. It was fun while it lasted.

2. Last minute flight tickets:

One day I will get my act together. I’m that person who books ticket last minute and ends up paying for an overpriced ticket for a short trip. If it takes giving up coffee for a while to pay ahead of time, do it.

3. That brings me to my next item… COFFEE:

I spend a lot of money on coffee. Seeing how many points I have makes me cry in a bad way. $6 everyday on coffee adds up. I’ve started limiting myself to a couple times a week. IT’S PROGRESS OK!

5. Interest charges:

This one makes me cry more than coffee. Don’t spend a lot of money on your cards if you can’t pay it off during the time you have 0% interest. I’m dealing with the consequences now. It’s not fun.

6. Late payments (car tickets, registration, etc.):

Being late with ticket payments for me is usually because of laziness, avoidance, and a bad memory. Do yourself a favor and pay for it as soon as you can, so you don’t have to pay more for an already pricey situation.

7. People who don’t matter:

I’m really careless with throwing my money around for others. I mean I do it because I like to see people happy. This isn’t on the list because the money matter, but because you shouldn’t have to go out of your way all the time for someone you might not be talking to a year from now. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll have more to add to this a few years from now. I’ll definitely work on my spending habits. Having so many bills to pay for kind of helps with that.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Don’t lose your wallet,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Why Letting Go Of An Eating Disorder Is Hard.

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Lately, I’ve been going to these support groups for my “past” eating disorder. I say past because although I am in recovery, it is a very thin line between recovery and relapse. In fact I relapsed not too long ago after almost two years in recovery.  In these support groups I attend we talked about letting go of the eating disorder. One thing most can agree on is how hard it is letting go of the ED. From the outside looking in it’s so easy to just say “well stop acting on it and you’ll be fine.” I even try to convince myself to stop giving a shit on good days. Good days aren’t everyday.

When I was 13 years old I developed an eating disorder because I was not happy with myself. In fact, I can’t remember a time I was. That’s a lot easier to say out loud now. I wanted to lose weight because I was an athlete going through puberty. I was a teenager who needed to be better in every way. Most of the things I told myself were lies. When I was 23 I got diagnosed with an ED and started treatment. When I became an adult, the ED wasn’t there because I felt like I needed to be better. It was still around because it was a way for me to feel sorry for myself. It was something that allowed sympathy into my life. Having a tough exterior which was fake most of the time was a LOT to handle. I never let myself feel vulnerable. Everything was possible if I just pushed myself a little harder. Eventually I crashed.

Recovery has been mostly on my side. Up until a couple of months ago. My life was going through changes and I no longer had control of every little aspect of it. The ED creeped back in, why? Because I was in control of it. Deciding when or how much to eat was all on me. Relapsing was the best thing to happen to me. I HATED the way I felt. My body was out of control in those 3 days. This is when I realized I wasn’t in control, but my ED was. I told myself I never want to feel like that ever again. 

Now I’m back on track with my recovery and it feels GREAT. Of course, not everyday feels great. On bad days, I turn to my ED as a form of compassion. This I am slowly learning to find within myself. It will take time, but I am willing to give the time to something so important. Although I haven’t let go of my ED completely, I hope that one day I will be able to. I hope to look to myself for comfort, support, and sympathy. 

One day, this will not rule me.

 

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Take care of yourself!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Los Angeles travel guide from an LA native! 

travel, Uncategorized

 

Hello! My name’s Suzy and I will be your tour guide today. Born and raised in Los Angeles, I’ve got a few places for you to try. Have a look:

 

Hiking: Fern Dell

The Fern Dell hike is the perfect one for any newcomers to the city. It isn’t that difficult and the best part is that it takes you to the griffith observatory. From there you will see great views of every part of the city.

Urth Caffe: You’ve probably seen a bunch of pictures of this place. Urth is very hyped, but it is definitely worth it. My favorites are the margherita pizza and turkey panini. They have great ice blended coffee’s called granita.

Griffith Observatory: As mentioned earlier, the Griffith Observatory has great views, especially at night. Just look at the picture I took!

Beaches: You can’t go to LA without stopping by the beach. My favorite beach is Malibu State Beach. The beaches here can get quite dirty, but this one is clean and the sand is close to the water. Santa Monica includes a long walk to the water, but it is a nice place to go at night, as it has the pier with rides!

The Americana or The Grove: Outdoor shopping is LA’s specialty. These two places are essentially the same experience. Depending on where in LA you are staying will help you decide which one to go to. Affordable/High end shopping plus great food options!

 

I don’t have a picture of these places, but The Americana does have one of my other favorite places to eat, Lemonade. It is like a cafeteria setting, but with really good food. It’s a pretty “LA” place, but the Lemonade is pretty delicious! My favorite is blood orange.

 

 

BONUS:

*Transportation Tips*: LA is definitely not known for it’s public transportation. If you are coming here make sure to rent a car or rely on uber. Make sure you plan ahead of time to get to your destination, the traffic is no joke. Hours to watch out for are morning work commute and 4pm-7pm.

 

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Safe Travels,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Moves I’m making to help find myself.

mental health, Uncategorized

5 stars for the cheese worthy title? If you’ve been following my blog posts and really if you’re human, you know life is up and down. This past year I moved away, came back home, moved away again, and came back home again. I’m in my 20’s, so you can imagine it’s a difficult time of trying to find out where I’m supposed to be in life. In the past making stupid decisions has been my way of life. It’s kind of sad actually. Losing yourself is difficult. Being so sure of who you are and then completely losing track of that is one big obstacle.

In the midst of all of this there was one big thing missing in my life…love. I stopped loving myself. Actually the last time I truly loved myself I was too young to remember. You know what not loving yourself does? It causes you to search for acceptance elsewhere. Because I couldn’t love myself I tried to find that through other things. Hooking up, partying, and social drinking to avoid my problems. This makes it sound more dramatic, but it’s the truth. Even if I wasn’t a party animal, even doing it occasionally for the wrong reason was a bad idea.

There is no regret in any of the choices I made because I’ve learned from them. In fact I’ve had to fall down several times to finally be at the place I am now. Which is surrender and stop putting up with all of that (excuse my French) shit! It took relapsing from my eating disorder and getting back on a routine to wake up.

I started working out 3 times a week because it helps me stress less and take care of myself.

I go to a support group each week and make appointments to see my therapist.

Most importantly I talk positively to myself which allows me to put myself first.

No more trying to find what I’m missing elsewhere. The only person who I need right now is me. I can’t expect someone to love or accept me because I can’t, that is my job.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have a GREAT weekend!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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How to unwind after a stressful day.

health, Uncategorized

We’ve all been there. Long day of work after an already long commute, lack of sleep, errands that need to be done, and dealing with things that might come with a mental or physical illness. Trust me when I say I’ve felt this way plenty of times. When you have a day like this it’s important to take some time out for your self care.

It took me a while to figure out something that works for me, but there are ways to unwind that really do help.

Going for a walk: I know going on a walker might sound like a lot after a long day. I personally found that if I come home and lounge the moment I get in, I won’t move. Going for a walk gets my mind clear and still allows me to put in the effort for the other ways I like to unwind.

Taking a shower/bath: An obvious one, but it really DOES WORK. Just like clean sheets on a bed.

Dinner and a movie: My favorite thing to do is to watch a new movie while eating dinner. It gets me to zone out and just do something for fun instead of work.

Watch some motivational pep talks on YouTube: I’ll be posting some great TED talks I’ve been watching in another blog post. I watch these motivational videos because it gets me eager for the next day and I wake up (most times) feeling excited to take on the day.

Practice Mindfulness: Meditating can be really hard. It takes a lot of practice sometimes. I’ve been really trying to get in the habit and found an app that makes it easier. It’s called Aura and you put how you’re feeling and can do a quick 3 min meditation! It makes it a lot easier to keep up doing it before bed every night.

If you have any additional tips to add, let me know how you unwind!

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have a good week!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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