Health insurance -check | Doctors appt -check | Getting weighed -unexpected check!
Four days ago I went to the doctor (finally) for a whole bunch of health problems I hate dealing with. The time leading up to my appointment was a constant debate over wanting to get weighed or not. In the past, I’ve let the nurse know that I had an eating disorder and would rather get weighed backwards. You do have that option even if you don’t have an eating disorder.
It was a constant battle with the ED voice if I should or not. See, these past couple of months have been rough with my eating habits. I really just stopped caring about what I was putting in my body. Now, I’m not saying I wish I ate only healthy meals because I’m just not that type of person. I DO wish that I was able to control my eating better and didn’t eat certain things that made me feel sick. Because of all this, a part of me wanted to know how much I weighed. Does the number matter? Absolutely not and I know this. However, I feel like I needed to know so I could take control of my life again. That sounds terrible, but I used it as a wake up call.
I decided to hear the number out loud. It was like everything around me became silent. I didn’t know if I should cry, laugh, or get angry at myself. After feeling almost disoriented for the a few minutes, the storm was over. My voice was able to fight back the ED voice and reassure me that the number is pointless. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but no number will ever be good enough. It’s strange that I can even say that now.
Do I regret getting weighed? No, because now I know I need to focus on my recovery again. I know that a number is just a number. Most importantly, I know that I need to see a dietician again. Being able to fight back the scale now doesn’t mean that getting weighed didn’t have any impact on me. It still made me feel even more insecure and asking for help is something I’m willing to do at this point.
I’m getting back into the game of recovery.
Thanks for making it this far!
Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]