Life AFTER Medication.

mental health, Uncategorized

Hi again! I hope you had a great thanksgiving (if you’re American). Back to reality and it just so happened I got the idea to write about my experience without medication. I’ve been noticing some of my behaviors getting stronger so I figured this would be a good time to explain what that’s like.

After being diagnosed with OCD 6 years ago, I have taken medication for it on and off for 5 years. I don’t usually choose to get off medication. Most of the time it’s because I switch insurance or just no longer have insurance. This time was no different. I do believe in medication like I mentioned in this post explaining why. OCD is one of the hardest mental disorders I’ve had because it seems to be the one that never gives me a break. Without medication, it makes my compulsions/obsessions a lot stronger. When I’m in a better place in my life I know that I will be able to fight without the medications. With all my other health issues, I just don’t have the energy to do it all by myself.

Since being off meds for a couple of months, some behaviors are getting louder. One thing with OCD is that I repeat a lot of words over and over again in my head. This is been happening a lot more lately which causes me to lose focus. I’ve also had more trouble dealing with germs. It’s become my main concern when communicating with people again. When things get stressful my emotions are all over the place. So, I’ve been noticing myself being a lot more emotional than usual. Yes, that means crying from having a bad day or being angry for no reason. Before all my health issues, when I got off medication I would have a lot more energy. As you might know anti-depressants can make you very sleepy. However, due to all my health problems I’m always tired, so I didn’t notice a difference in my energy this time around.

Once I re-enroll for insurance this month, I look forward to finally being on my daily med routine again. It’s going to help keep my mind from wandering and allow me to focus on my other daily “life things”. When the time comes where I can manage my ocd symptoms a lot better without medication (this means having more time), I know I will be able to do it. Medication isn’t everything, but there is no shame on being on it if you need the extra help.

Do you have any thoughts on medication?

Thanks for reading,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

Advertisements

Pointless things I’ve spent my money on in my 20’s.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Honestly, I don’t regret my spending as most brought me a lot of joy. There are certain things I definitely didn’t NEED to do. I am in my 20’s though and before saving was a thing I am guilty of spending my money in ways I probably shouldn’t have.

  1. Buying overpriced resale concert tickets:

Coming from a one direction fan who lives in America, you can see where this is going. There are certain shows I just “had” to see because you never know when your favorite artists are gonna go in your again. Especially when all the musicians you like live in the U.K. Now that I’m a bit older I know spending $200 over the actual price of the ticket is not the best decision with all these bills I have to pay. It was fun while it lasted.

2. Last minute flight tickets:

One day I will get my act together. I’m that person who books ticket last minute and ends up paying for an overpriced ticket for a short trip. If it takes giving up coffee for a while to pay ahead of time, do it.

3. That brings me to my next item… COFFEE:

I spend a lot of money on coffee. Seeing how many points I have makes me cry in a bad way. $6 everyday on coffee adds up. I’ve started limiting myself to a couple times a week. IT’S PROGRESS OK!

5. Interest charges:

This one makes me cry more than coffee. Don’t spend a lot of money on your cards if you can’t pay it off during the time you have 0% interest. I’m dealing with the consequences now. It’s not fun.

6. Late payments (car tickets, registration, etc.):

Being late with ticket payments for me is usually because of laziness, avoidance, and a bad memory. Do yourself a favor and pay for it as soon as you can, so you don’t have to pay more for an already pricey situation.

7. People who don’t matter:

I’m really careless with throwing my money around for others. I mean I do it because I like to see people happy. This isn’t on the list because the money matter, but because you shouldn’t have to go out of your way all the time for someone you might not be talking to a year from now. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll have more to add to this a few years from now. I’ll definitely work on my spending habits. Having so many bills to pay for kind of helps with that.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Don’t lose your wallet,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

Moves I’m making to help find myself.

mental health, Uncategorized

5 stars for the cheese worthy title? If you’ve been following my blog posts and really if you’re human, you know life is up and down. This past year I moved away, came back home, moved away again, and came back home again. I’m in my 20’s, so you can imagine it’s a difficult time of trying to find out where I’m supposed to be in life. In the past making stupid decisions has been my way of life. It’s kind of sad actually. Losing yourself is difficult. Being so sure of who you are and then completely losing track of that is one big obstacle.

In the midst of all of this there was one big thing missing in my life…love. I stopped loving myself. Actually the last time I truly loved myself I was too young to remember. You know what not loving yourself does? It causes you to search for acceptance elsewhere. Because I couldn’t love myself I tried to find that through other things. Hooking up, partying, and social drinking to avoid my problems. This makes it sound more dramatic, but it’s the truth. Even if I wasn’t a party animal, even doing it occasionally for the wrong reason was a bad idea.

There is no regret in any of the choices I made because I’ve learned from them. In fact I’ve had to fall down several times to finally be at the place I am now. Which is surrender and stop putting up with all of that (excuse my French) shit! It took relapsing from my eating disorder and getting back on a routine to wake up.

I started working out 3 times a week because it helps me stress less and take care of myself.

I go to a support group each week and make appointments to see my therapist.

Most importantly I talk positively to myself which allows me to put myself first.

No more trying to find what I’m missing elsewhere. The only person who I need right now is me. I can’t expect someone to love or accept me because I can’t, that is my job.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have a GREAT weekend!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

Why I moved back home…AGAIN.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Somehow I’m always back here again. I’ve written a couple of blog posts about moving out of state, coming back, and moving out again. In this one I am explaining why I am back.

This time a longer temporary move back home. The plan is to be here for another year and then officially move out FOR GOOD. After the last couple of tries, I am dedicated to make it happen in this next chapter.

Moving out of state was hard. Knowing absolutely no one and trying to make ends meet. The first time, I freaked out. Reality set in and I was really hard on myself. I cried for days and decided it was rushed. Moving back, I thought I would give other locations a try. My heart kept telling me Nashville was the place I needed to be. After spending a couple of months back home I decided to give it another go. Let’s just say finances weren’t on my side and I needed to make a realistic decision.

After working for a week and expecting to make it okay. I started to think about my future. By future, I meant my 30’s. The truth is I didn’t want to be a 30 year old in debt from credit cards that I spent too much on. Staying in Nashville meant using my credit the first couple of months as I had not saved up enough. Although I was desperate to move out due to a rocky home life, it wasn’t the best timing. I thought if I could live rent free for another year and pay off some debt, why not?

Almost two months later from returning and I’ve realized some old habits have come back to haunt me. Being home and just in this city in general gets me in a bad mood. I get angry a lot and have been feeling that sense of fight or flight again. This has made me take extra measures to stay away from old behaviors. Having the ability to take care of myself helps quite a bit. If I had to work all day to pay rent I know I wouldn’t have that chance.

Being at home isn’t the easiest, but it is the best thing for me at this point in my life. I think it’s important to stop comparing myself to others and just do what’s best for my future and PRESENT. That was the hardest thing to accept during this whole process.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Thanks for sticking around,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

I Relapsed. *Eating Disorder Content*

Uncategorized

Let’s awkwardly forget that I haven’t blogged for over a month. This month DID bring a lot of unfortunate events into my life. So, now I have a lot to say and feel like this is the safe place to do it. Calling the internet safe? I might regret this.

When people hear the word relapse, they mostly think of addiction. The type of addiction that comes with drugs and alcohol. The relapse I’m talking about has to do with eating disorders. I almost went two years without purposely having behaviors since I got discharged from treatment. What does “purposely” mean? Well, I’ve gone times where I’ve skipped a meal hear and there, but it wasn’t because I wanted to. Sometimes life gets busy and I can’t eat at the same exact time I did the day before. These past few days were a bit different. I intentionally decided to restrict for a couple of days because I felt like I had no control of how much I ate. For most people an eating disorder is a way to gain control and I guess I never understood that, until now.

I wrote this blog post about moving away regardless of what it took. I did end up attempting to move out of state again, but found myself back at home for a second time. Moving back meant taking  another year to fully prepare myself before I decide to go again. In a lot of ways coming back was the worst yet best thing for me now. In a lot of way I felt like my life was all over the place because I couldn’t do exactly what I wanted now. I had to settle on what I needed to do. This is where the eating disorder came into play. It was the only thing I was able to have control of. It almost felt like it was a choice. During the days I restricted I felt angry, got easily irritated, and I was exhausted. On the final day I had one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had. It was so bad that it made me fear restricting. A blessing in disguise that made me realize I NEVER want to feel like the way I did when I had an active eating disorder. I don’t want to be that person ever again.

A week later and I am back on track on the road of recovery. I’m controlling how much and how little I eat. It’s the good kind of control. I’ve started taking care of myself and I’m happy with the way things are going right now. It also helped going to a support group not long after my relapse. If you are someone who is recovering from an eating disorder, please don’t be hard on yourself. That will only make things worse. There is no such thing as a step back in recovery. Everything you go through is a lesson that will only make you stronger.

If you or anyone you know is in recovery or has an eating disorder, you can find help here: 

National Eating Disorders Association

Take care of yourself,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

Eating disorders are MORE than just a NUMBER.

mental health, Uncategorized

*There may be some sensitive content for some viewers. Information/details on eating disorders.*

I dealt with an eating disorder for 10 years. Most of the time I had disordered eating patterns, but all of the time I had body image issues. I know people who haven’t experienced an eating disorder or recovery may think that it all just revolves around the number. The more weight you lose the worse your disorder actually is. In fact, this is why I didn’t think I had an eating disorder until my 10th year of dealing with it. I’m glad there is more talk on mental health so I would like to just touch up on some things that may come along with an eating disorder.

  • It is a mental health issue: This isn’t just a physical problem. There is a chemical imbalance in ones brain which causes them to think and feel different. Of course this then can lead to physical problems. Some of which include an unhealthy weight, poor dental hygiene, bone issues, heart issues, and etc.
    • Body dysmorphia is part of an eating disorder: The way one thinks about themselves is very important to identifying an eating disorder. I personally pictured myself very different in my head compared to how I really looked in person. It can also be an obsession with physical experience that can take up most of a persons time.
    • There are many different types of an eating disorder: Speaking from my own experience, I had binge eating disorder. What this meant is that I would spend days not eating full meals and then decided to eating everything in site in one day. Along with this I had obsessive thoughts about my appearance.
    • You don’t have to be at a certain weight to have an eating disorder: Everybody’s body is different. This means everyone will have a healthy body weight that may not be the same as the person next to them. My weight fluctuated a lot, but I was never really thin or really overweight. I looked healthy so I thought I was. This is what I meant by it being a mental illness. Just because someone doesn’t look sick doesn’t mean they aren’t.

    I hope this gives a little insight on eating disorders. Please feel free to share your own thoughts or anything I might’ve left out in the comments below. If you or anyone you know might be suffering with an eating disorder, check out the website below for some more information:

    National Eating Disorders Association

    Thank you for reading,

    Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

    PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

    Two days in a new city. (I MOVED OUT!)

    lifestyle

    Like I mentioned in previous posts, I decided to move from Los Angeles, CA to Nashville, TN. I have been here for about 2 1/2 days doing the whole job hunting/apartment hunting craze. It was great when I first got here because I was just excited to even be here. Now…I’m starting to lose my cool.

    This is my first time being on my own so having to deal with rent to income ratio is STRESSING ME OUT. I’m in a new city trying to figure it all out, but I know I never will. After visiting a couple of places and making sure they are close proximity to some potential jobs makes it that much more challenging. I’ve been here before, but I guess I never realized how spread out things really are. I’m trying to sort this all out without running back home crying that I couldn’t do it. What makes it harder is that my mom is here with me so I feel like I almost need to validate why I CAN do this.

    After viewing a few places and almost deciding on a job, I have decided to lower my rent budget a bit and look at surrounding areas as well. My “job” is in a different town so I feel like being a bit more flexible with my options will be a lot more helpful. I just need to remind myself that everything is temporary and if I don’t like a certain apartment, I don’t have to be there forever. It’s hard adjusting to a new place so far from home, but I am still excited for what’s yet to come. (And a little terrified).

    Have a good rest of the week,

    Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

    PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

    Things I say to help me get through the day.

    mental health, Uncategorized

    Wow life is catching up and it’s been hard getting these blog posts up. Hopefully once a week isn’t too bad for now. I’ll have a lot of traveling pictures up here pretty soon since I’m moving THIS WEEK! Anyways, I wanted to share some things that help me get through the rough moments of life that I’ve learned these past couple of years. Hope this helps you out if you need a little extra boost.

    “Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full.”

    This is something my dietician told me in treatment for my eating disorder. It may seem like common sense to most, but for someone with a bad relationship with food it can make the world of difference.

    “I let go of all the lies I tell myself.”

    I like this saying so much that I got it tattooed on me. It’s nice reminder when I’m busy looking at myself in the mirror trying to find as many “imperfections” as I can.

    “This is just temporary.”

    I think one of the hardest parts of the 20s is that we like to compare ourselves to everyone else. We think where we are now in life is forever, but it isn’t. If you need to work those 3 jobs to make your way to a career you will one day have, do it!

    “A picture can lie.”

    Sticking with the comparison issue that seems to be rising, we are all aware of the impact of social media. A picture is just a highlight of someone’s day, it isn’t their everyday.

    I hope this gives you a little mid week boost. Best of luck with your day or night. I’ll be doing my best to update regularly on here as I’m in the midst of moving. Follow if you’d like to keep up with the move!

    Thanks for stopping by,

    Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

    PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

    Why I’m leaving LA.

    lifestyle, mental health

    In case you haven’t heard, it’s Mental Health Awareness week. You might wonder what any of this has to do with the post title. Well, surprisingly it has a lot to do with it.

    I was born and raised in a suburb in Los Angeles, CA. Now a days it’s pretty hard to call anywhere a suburb around here. I love where I grew up. The great thing is I was close enough to all the great things you’re exposed to in LA, but still able to enjoy quiet neighborhoods around people you grow up with. Being 24 now, I’ve had the privledgr of enjoying my early 20’s in a city filled with things to do at all hours. Now that I’ve had my fun, I’ve realized that it’s time for me to leave this place. Just because I’m still young it doesn’t mean I need to be in a big city going out all the time. An age is just a number and you should never feel like you HAVE to live your life a certain way.

    When I was 19 I got diagnosed with OCD and since then I’ve had an eating disorder and som physical health issues. These past few years have been a struggle trying to not stress over daily life. I’ve always been attracted to quiet towns with nature and good old mannerisms. Since I was younger, living in the south has been a dream of mine. About a year ago I decided I was not happy and it was time for me to put my health first. This is when I made it a plan and goal to move. Since then I have been working extremely hard trying to get out of here to save my sanity. As grateful as I am for this city, I still hold a lot of resentment towards it. A lot of my anger and stress doesn’t get better when I am sitting in traffic or living with my family because trying to get a place out here is just ridiculous and not worth it. I’m definitely not the person who is willing to live with roommates. I need my space and I need a small city that doesn’t take over an hour to get across. It’s time for me to make a change.

    Since I decided to leave (which will be in a few weeks), I have gotten some positive responses and some negative. People really want to tear you down just because they might not get your decisions or when they are simply too afraid to do things themselves. I’ve decided to only listen to positive people and mainly just listen to myself. This is something I want to do and nothing anybody says will change that. I know what’s best for my happiness. Don’t forget that YOU MATTER. Your health relies so much on your happiness so please take care of yourself. Put yourself first. There is nothing wrong with that.

    Thank you for reading. I hope you will follow my moving journey with me. I will be posting about my road trip and moving into my first apartment by myself. Follow if you’d like to keep up.

    Until next time,

    Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

    PinterestInstagram | Tumblr | Twitter

    An Invisible Illness.

    health, lifestyle, Uncategorized

    Dysautonomia: An umbrella term used to describe several different medical conditions that cause a malfunction of the Autonomic Nervous System.

    Almost two years ago I noticed a big change in my health. The smallest everyday things became the hardest. Going up the stairs in my house was exhausting and standing up made everything around me go blank. There were a lot of times I thought I was going to faint. Along with that came many more strange symptoms. My hands were feeling nub and felt like pins and needles. A few months later my heart was racing so fast to the point that I was feeling nauseous. I made two trip to the ER in a couple of weeks and they put an IV in me in. Not knowing what was wrong I went to a cardiologist who had me wear a heart monitor. He noticed my heart was racing throughout the whole day and put me on medication for it to slow down. Although nobody could tell me what was wrong I knew something wasn’t right. I went to several different doctors this past year to try to get to the bottom of it. My blood work kept coming back normal which made it even harder to get a diagnosis. All i did was look up my symptoms online to see if I can try to get to the bottom of it since nothing was helping. It was a little scary to think of all the thing it might be.

    A few months ago I went to a rheumatologist who then referred me to a neurologist. At last there was a name to go with all the symptoms had been feeling…. dysautonomia. I had never heard of this and it never came up during my internet searches. I have the form of dysautonomia called POTS. This means I have a fast heart rate and my blood pressure drops when I stand up. So pretty much I have a lot of adrenaline in me and my body is just trying to catch up. See, the autonomic nervous system controls all the things your body does naturally. Like adjusting to temperature change, your heart pumping faster when you’re exercising, and so on. You know, the things you don’t have to think about. My body however, no longer knows how to control all of that. As much as I hate that I have this, finally having a name for all of this has given me a sense of relief.

    Trying to figure all of this out was really stressful. I saw so many doctors and nobody knew what was going on. This doesn’t mean they were bad, but they just couldn’t put it all together. Plus, insurance is a whole other story. Trying to get approval to have some tests done can be a nightmare. I’m just glad that I relied on my gut feeling to keep me searching for the answer to this. I guess the reason I’m writing this blog post isn’t to just inform people on dysautonomia, but it is to let me know that following your instinct as oppose to listening to other doesn’t make your symptoms less valid. You know your body better than anyone else. There are going to be people telling you it’s all in your head, but don’t listen and keep moving forward.

    To anyone who has an “invisible illness” or any sort of illness… You are already so strong for putting up with it, and your story is VALID.

    Wishing you a GREAT week,
    Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

    Pinterest| InstagramTumblr