Life AFTER Medication.

mental health, Uncategorized

Hi again! I hope you had a great thanksgiving (if you’re American). Back to reality and it just so happened I got the idea to write about my experience without medication. I’ve been noticing some of my behaviors getting stronger so I figured this would be a good time to explain what that’s like.

After being diagnosed with OCD 6 years ago, I have taken medication for it on and off for 5 years. I don’t usually choose to get off medication. Most of the time it’s because I switch insurance or just no longer have insurance. This time was no different. I do believe in medication like I mentioned in this post explaining why. OCD is one of the hardest mental disorders I’ve had because it seems to be the one that never gives me a break. Without medication, it makes my compulsions/obsessions a lot stronger. When I’m in a better place in my life I know that I will be able to fight without the medications. With all my other health issues, I just don’t have the energy to do it all by myself.

Since being off meds for a couple of months, some behaviors are getting louder. One thing with OCD is that I repeat a lot of words over and over again in my head. This is been happening a lot more lately which causes me to lose focus. I’ve also had more trouble dealing with germs. It’s become my main concern when communicating with people again. When things get stressful my emotions are all over the place. So, I’ve been noticing myself being a lot more emotional than usual. Yes, that means crying from having a bad day or being angry for no reason. Before all my health issues, when I got off medication I would have a lot more energy. As you might know anti-depressants can make you very sleepy. However, due to all my health problems I’m always tired, so I didn’t notice a difference in my energy this time around.

Once I re-enroll for insurance this month, I look forward to finally being on my daily med routine again. It’s going to help keep my mind from wandering and allow me to focus on my other daily “life things”. When the time comes where I can manage my ocd symptoms a lot better without medication (this means having more time), I know I will be able to do it. Medication isn’t everything, but there is no shame on being on it if you need the extra help.

Do you have any thoughts on medication?

Thanks for reading,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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I moved back and stopped comparing myself to others.

social media, Uncategorized

This past summer I wrote about moving out of state and moving back (twice). Moving back because I felt like I was rushing and not as financially stable as I could’ve been.

A lot of it is comparing myself to other 25 year olds and thinking:

“If I don’t do this, how am I an adult.”

“Why is my life going at such a slow pace?”

And then reality hit and I realized if I have to come home for another year just so I can have a positive experience next time around, I’m up for it.

This mean I had to be willing to work and work some more. Stop caring where I am career wise or geographically. It’s funny because everyone my age feels this way too. Yet, we still compare ourselves to each other!

After coming home, relapsing from an ED (which I also talked about), and trying to live a life that is not mine, I’ve learned to be more present. How? By taking a break from social media! I was never invested in my Instagram or Snapchat, but I did look at what others post. This meant looking at their “happy” “thought out” lives. It turns out I actually don’t care anymore. I’m just not all for the perfect filter and 20 minute photo shoot with my coffee, so people can think I’m happy thing. I’d rather post reality.

It’s so nice to be able to just live my life and not know what other are doing unless I really care. Which then I’m texting and calling those people, so I don’t need to check their feed.

Another thing that has helped me stay present has been staying busy (in a good way). Not the type of busy where you try to avoid all your problems. The type of busy where I’m taking care of myself. I’ve been working a lot which will be beneficial to moving again. This makes me happy because it makes it more realistic that I’ll have a chance to be on my own. Another helpful way of staying busy has been working out. I have been trying to workout at least 3 times a week and it has made my mood a lot better. It has also provided me with a lot of energy to get through the days.

Trying to live in the moment can almost seem like a chore at times. The truth is it shouldn’t be like that. Life is tough so we would rather block out the negatives, but that doesn’t do us any good. We need to make moves to change the things we don’t like around. Be patient and eventually it will be so natural that you won’t even remember what life was like when you cared so much about what others were doing.

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Signs of OCD NOT to ignore.

mental health, Uncategorized

It took almost 10 years before I got diagnosed with OCD. That’s how long I had these symptoms that made me feel like I was going crazy. The guilt of everything made it even worse. This is why I feel it’s important to write this in case there might be someone experiencing some of these and don’t know why.

Obviously I’m not a doctor, so just because you experience some of these doesn’t mean you have OCD. This is just my personal experience of things that I feel were a clear indicator that something wasn’t right.

Intrusive thoughts:

Probably one of the first things I experienced were these bad or inappropriate thoughts I just couldn’t get out of my head. It made me feel like a bad person and cause me to not be present in a lot of moments of life. It’s not just a thought that comes and goes, but one that is around for a long time to make you feel guilty.

Some thoughts of ocd:

Picturing someone getting hurt.

You hurting someone.

Foot coming off the brake if you car and getting into an accident.

Repetitive actions/movements:

Some of things I would do… suck my stomach in and out, blink excessively (which might’ve been stressed related to ocd), roll my neck, repeat steps if I thought something bad during the first one. These are movements that are uncontrollable. Trying to stop causes anxiety, but gets easier once getting treatment for the disorder.

Fear of germs:

I thought I was a germaphobe before I was fully educated on ocd. It got to the point where i was washing my hands so much that they had cuts all over them. This is coming from someone who isn’t scared of getting sick. That wasn’t my main concern. I just couldn’t help but think if I didn’t wash my hands, I wouldn’t be able to continue with the day.

Remember, having to repeat behaviors, being extremely neat, and using hand sanitizer constantly doesn’t me you have ocd. Only when not doing he following cause major distress and anxiety in your life is when you may need to get a professionals opinion.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

HAPPY WEEKEND!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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*Image made with CANVA*

Pointless things I’ve spent my money on in my 20’s.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Honestly, I don’t regret my spending as most brought me a lot of joy. There are certain things I definitely didn’t NEED to do. I am in my 20’s though and before saving was a thing I am guilty of spending my money in ways I probably shouldn’t have.

  1. Buying overpriced resale concert tickets:

Coming from a one direction fan who lives in America, you can see where this is going. There are certain shows I just “had” to see because you never know when your favorite artists are gonna go in your again. Especially when all the musicians you like live in the U.K. Now that I’m a bit older I know spending $200 over the actual price of the ticket is not the best decision with all these bills I have to pay. It was fun while it lasted.

2. Last minute flight tickets:

One day I will get my act together. I’m that person who books ticket last minute and ends up paying for an overpriced ticket for a short trip. If it takes giving up coffee for a while to pay ahead of time, do it.

3. That brings me to my next item… COFFEE:

I spend a lot of money on coffee. Seeing how many points I have makes me cry in a bad way. $6 everyday on coffee adds up. I’ve started limiting myself to a couple times a week. IT’S PROGRESS OK!

5. Interest charges:

This one makes me cry more than coffee. Don’t spend a lot of money on your cards if you can’t pay it off during the time you have 0% interest. I’m dealing with the consequences now. It’s not fun.

6. Late payments (car tickets, registration, etc.):

Being late with ticket payments for me is usually because of laziness, avoidance, and a bad memory. Do yourself a favor and pay for it as soon as you can, so you don’t have to pay more for an already pricey situation.

7. People who don’t matter:

I’m really careless with throwing my money around for others. I mean I do it because I like to see people happy. This isn’t on the list because the money matter, but because you shouldn’t have to go out of your way all the time for someone you might not be talking to a year from now. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll have more to add to this a few years from now. I’ll definitely work on my spending habits. Having so many bills to pay for kind of helps with that.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Don’t lose your wallet,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Why Letting Go Of An Eating Disorder Is Hard.

mental health, Uncategorized

Lately, I’ve been going to these support groups for my “past” eating disorder. I say past because although I am in recovery, it is a very thin line between recovery and relapse. In fact I relapsed not too long ago after almost two years in recovery.  In these support groups I attend we talked about letting go of the eating disorder. One thing most can agree on is how hard it is letting go of the ED. From the outside looking in it’s so easy to just say “well stop acting on it and you’ll be fine.” I even try to convince myself to stop giving a shit on good days. Good days aren’t everyday.

When I was 13 years old I developed an eating disorder because I was not happy with myself. In fact, I can’t remember a time I was. That’s a lot easier to say out loud now. I wanted to lose weight because I was an athlete going through puberty. I was a teenager who needed to be better in every way. Most of the things I told myself were lies. When I was 23 I got diagnosed with an ED and started treatment. When I became an adult, the ED wasn’t there because I felt like I needed to be better. It was still around because it was a way for me to feel sorry for myself. It was something that allowed sympathy into my life. Having a tough exterior which was fake most of the time was a LOT to handle. I never let myself feel vulnerable. Everything was possible if I just pushed myself a little harder. Eventually I crashed.

Recovery has been mostly on my side. Up until a couple of months ago. My life was going through changes and I no longer had control of every little aspect of it. The ED creeped back in, why? Because I was in control of it. Deciding when or how much to eat was all on me. Relapsing was the best thing to happen to me. I HATED the way I felt. My body was out of control in those 3 days. This is when I realized I wasn’t in control, but my ED was. I told myself I never want to feel like that ever again. 

Now I’m back on track with my recovery and it feels GREAT. Of course, not everyday feels great. On bad days, I turn to my ED as a form of compassion. This I am slowly learning to find within myself. It will take time, but I am willing to give the time to something so important. Although I haven’t let go of my ED completely, I hope that one day I will be able to. I hope to look to myself for comfort, support, and sympathy. 

One day, this will not rule me.

 

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Take care of yourself!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Moves I’m making to help find myself.

mental health, Uncategorized

5 stars for the cheese worthy title? If you’ve been following my blog posts and really if you’re human, you know life is up and down. This past year I moved away, came back home, moved away again, and came back home again. I’m in my 20’s, so you can imagine it’s a difficult time of trying to find out where I’m supposed to be in life. In the past making stupid decisions has been my way of life. It’s kind of sad actually. Losing yourself is difficult. Being so sure of who you are and then completely losing track of that is one big obstacle.

In the midst of all of this there was one big thing missing in my life…love. I stopped loving myself. Actually the last time I truly loved myself I was too young to remember. You know what not loving yourself does? It causes you to search for acceptance elsewhere. Because I couldn’t love myself I tried to find that through other things. Hooking up, partying, and social drinking to avoid my problems. This makes it sound more dramatic, but it’s the truth. Even if I wasn’t a party animal, even doing it occasionally for the wrong reason was a bad idea.

There is no regret in any of the choices I made because I’ve learned from them. In fact I’ve had to fall down several times to finally be at the place I am now. Which is surrender and stop putting up with all of that (excuse my French) shit! It took relapsing from my eating disorder and getting back on a routine to wake up.

I started working out 3 times a week because it helps me stress less and take care of myself.

I go to a support group each week and make appointments to see my therapist.

Most importantly I talk positively to myself which allows me to put myself first.

No more trying to find what I’m missing elsewhere. The only person who I need right now is me. I can’t expect someone to love or accept me because I can’t, that is my job.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Have a GREAT weekend!

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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How To NOT Give Into Peer Pressure (Even As An ADULT).

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Growing up is a funny thing. We constantly compare ourselves to others and question if we are doing everything right. As if there is a right way to do anything. All of this usually leads to insecurity and feeling out of place. This is why not a lot of people have good things to say about the high school years. Turns out, peer pressure is still a thing in adulthood. Again, questioning if you are where you need to be because someone else did more to get there. Thinking you need to be living somewhere because everyone else is. I’m here to tell you there is way to break this cycle.

There is no doubt I’ve had and still have my insecurities. I would be lying if I said I didn’t question certain things I did. I still may struggle with this, but one thing I’ve been good at is putting my foot down when it comes to my beliefs. Of course, as I get older some of my views change. There are just somethings that I like to say to myself to keep me on MY right track.

Everyone is equal: 

Always remind yourself that we are all HUMAN. Someone having a better job or making more money doesn’t make them above you. Someone choosing to go to parties and have a lot of friends doesn’t make them more important than you.

If it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t the right time.

Things do fall in place when they are supposed to. Rushing some things just makes for unfortunate stories you get to share later on in life. Honestly, just think about how many times you’ve heard people say they have regretted something. (P.S. NEVER regret anything).

If you don’t know what’s best for you, what makes you think your friends do?

Growing up is different for everyone. Someone’s version of events can be different than yours. You ultimately know what is best for you even if it doesn’t seem like it at all times.

At the end of the day you are left with your thoughts.

When you go to bed at night, you close your eyes, force yourself to go to sleep, and have all this time to replay thoughts in your head. Before you make a decision, ask yourself what thoughts will be going through your head when you are in bed that night.

Trust me when I say everything is temporary. The pain, the confusion, the pressure. It may seem like what you do now defines the rest of your life, but I’m here to tell you life goes on.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Until next time,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Why I moved back home…AGAIN.

lifestyle, Uncategorized

Somehow I’m always back here again. I’ve written a couple of blog posts about moving out of state, coming back, and moving out again. In this one I am explaining why I am back.

This time a longer temporary move back home. The plan is to be here for another year and then officially move out FOR GOOD. After the last couple of tries, I am dedicated to make it happen in this next chapter.

Moving out of state was hard. Knowing absolutely no one and trying to make ends meet. The first time, I freaked out. Reality set in and I was really hard on myself. I cried for days and decided it was rushed. Moving back, I thought I would give other locations a try. My heart kept telling me Nashville was the place I needed to be. After spending a couple of months back home I decided to give it another go. Let’s just say finances weren’t on my side and I needed to make a realistic decision.

After working for a week and expecting to make it okay. I started to think about my future. By future, I meant my 30’s. The truth is I didn’t want to be a 30 year old in debt from credit cards that I spent too much on. Staying in Nashville meant using my credit the first couple of months as I had not saved up enough. Although I was desperate to move out due to a rocky home life, it wasn’t the best timing. I thought if I could live rent free for another year and pay off some debt, why not?

Almost two months later from returning and I’ve realized some old habits have come back to haunt me. Being home and just in this city in general gets me in a bad mood. I get angry a lot and have been feeling that sense of fight or flight again. This has made me take extra measures to stay away from old behaviors. Having the ability to take care of myself helps quite a bit. If I had to work all day to pay rent I know I wouldn’t have that chance.

Being at home isn’t the easiest, but it is the best thing for me at this point in my life. I think it’s important to stop comparing myself to others and just do what’s best for my future and PRESENT. That was the hardest thing to accept during this whole process.

If you’d like to see more of my posts, follow (fragile, yet fearless) to see a post every Monday and Friday!

Thanks for sticking around,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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I Relapsed. *Eating Disorder Content*

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Let’s awkwardly forget that I haven’t blogged for over a month. This month DID bring a lot of unfortunate events into my life. So, now I have a lot to say and feel like this is the safe place to do it. Calling the internet safe? I might regret this.

When people hear the word relapse, they mostly think of addiction. The type of addiction that comes with drugs and alcohol. The relapse I’m talking about has to do with eating disorders. I almost went two years without purposely having behaviors since I got discharged from treatment. What does “purposely” mean? Well, I’ve gone times where I’ve skipped a meal hear and there, but it wasn’t because I wanted to. Sometimes life gets busy and I can’t eat at the same exact time I did the day before. These past few days were a bit different. I intentionally decided to restrict for a couple of days because I felt like I had no control of how much I ate. For most people an eating disorder is a way to gain control and I guess I never understood that, until now.

I wrote this blog post about moving away regardless of what it took. I did end up attempting to move out of state again, but found myself back at home for a second time. Moving back meant taking  another year to fully prepare myself before I decide to go again. In a lot of ways coming back was the worst yet best thing for me now. In a lot of way I felt like my life was all over the place because I couldn’t do exactly what I wanted now. I had to settle on what I needed to do. This is where the eating disorder came into play. It was the only thing I was able to have control of. It almost felt like it was a choice. During the days I restricted I felt angry, got easily irritated, and I was exhausted. On the final day I had one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had. It was so bad that it made me fear restricting. A blessing in disguise that made me realize I NEVER want to feel like the way I did when I had an active eating disorder. I don’t want to be that person ever again.

A week later and I am back on track on the road of recovery. I’m controlling how much and how little I eat. It’s the good kind of control. I’ve started taking care of myself and I’m happy with the way things are going right now. It also helped going to a support group not long after my relapse. If you are someone who is recovering from an eating disorder, please don’t be hard on yourself. That will only make things worse. There is no such thing as a step back in recovery. Everything you go through is a lesson that will only make you stronger.

If you or anyone you know is in recovery or has an eating disorder, you can find help here: 

National Eating Disorders Association

Take care of yourself,

Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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Eating disorders are MORE than just a NUMBER.

mental health, Uncategorized

*There may be some sensitive content for some viewers. Information/details on eating disorders.*

I dealt with an eating disorder for 10 years. Most of the time I had disordered eating patterns, but all of the time I had body image issues. I know people who haven’t experienced an eating disorder or recovery may think that it all just revolves around the number. The more weight you lose the worse your disorder actually is. In fact, this is why I didn’t think I had an eating disorder until my 10th year of dealing with it. I’m glad there is more talk on mental health so I would like to just touch up on some things that may come along with an eating disorder.

  • It is a mental health issue: This isn’t just a physical problem. There is a chemical imbalance in ones brain which causes them to think and feel different. Of course this then can lead to physical problems. Some of which include an unhealthy weight, poor dental hygiene, bone issues, heart issues, and etc.
    • Body dysmorphia is part of an eating disorder: The way one thinks about themselves is very important to identifying an eating disorder. I personally pictured myself very different in my head compared to how I really looked in person. It can also be an obsession with physical experience that can take up most of a persons time.
    • There are many different types of an eating disorder: Speaking from my own experience, I had binge eating disorder. What this meant is that I would spend days not eating full meals and then decided to eating everything in site in one day. Along with this I had obsessive thoughts about my appearance.
    • You don’t have to be at a certain weight to have an eating disorder: Everybody’s body is different. This means everyone will have a healthy body weight that may not be the same as the person next to them. My weight fluctuated a lot, but I was never really thin or really overweight. I looked healthy so I thought I was. This is what I meant by it being a mental illness. Just because someone doesn’t look sick doesn’t mean they aren’t.

    I hope this gives a little insight on eating disorders. Please feel free to share your own thoughts or anything I might’ve left out in the comments below. If you or anyone you know might be suffering with an eating disorder, check out the website below for some more information:

    National Eating Disorders Association

    Thank you for reading,

    Suzy [fragile, yet fearless]

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